Deciding what does and does not belong in your wedding day can be daunting. With the onslaught of wedding “advice” you can find online, it seems that you are expected to somehow DO IT ALL even if “it all” isn’t what you want. So if you’ve made it to this corner of my world, I hope as I share moments to consider, I am not adding one more thing to do on your wedding day, but rather inviting you to pause, think about this moment, and decide if it would be fitting on your day.
Today, I want to talk about Private Vows. What they are and why it might be something you consider.

Vows. Whether you choose traditional vows or write your own, this is a moment on your wedding day where you are truly looking at your partner and saying I promise I will do this. I’ve also loved how these promises have been intertwined with sharing your love story. Often I’ll see a person share something about their romance to their partner for the first time, whether it’s a thought they had after the first date, the “moment they knew,” or even a page write out of their diary. It will all bring tears to my eyes, and yours too. But writing your own vows can add an extra level of stress and dread if you know you are going to be sharing them in front of your guests. Maybe you aren’t a big public speaker or you’d rather not share all your inside jokes with Aunt Maragaret. If you love the idea of writing your own vows but not reading them aloud, then private vows might be just right for you.

When to do Private Vows

Private vows can be shared at any point in your wedding day. Maybe you want to start your morning with these vows: you could write a letter with the vows & you can open them the morning of your wedding day or you could share them with each other over a cup of coffee. If you aren’t doing a first look, you could still share them before the ceremony. Set up a first touch and read them to each other while only holding hands. Yeah. That’ll make you cry, I promise it. Or if you want to work them into your wedding photography timeline, moving from first look to private vows goes really well. You are still only with each other and your photo/video vendor besties (And we can step back for this too) keeping the moment private and allowing you to decide when you are ready to move on.

How to Write Your Own Vows

The best conversations always seem to happen when you are sitting in the hair stylist’s chair. I found myself editing a wedding while a groom to be grabbed the seat next to me. He was discussing needing to write his vows and was worried he wouldn’t do it right. I decided to interject and shared my sage advice, “as long as you don’t just say ‘I love you,’ you’ll be in good shape.” ChatGPT and the likes can help you write your vows, honestly, why not give it a try. But here’s three tips I’d share if you were my sister and didn’t know where to go:
1. Shortly share your story: You don’t need to go back to the day you were born, but bring up a few key moments that brought you here.
2. Make Vows: I know this one seems obvious, but sometimes when couples write their own vows, they forget to actual write the vows. They just share their love for one another. Think of 3-5 promises. You can base them off of more traditional vows or on who you two are as a couple.
3. Equal parts smiles & tears: I want these vows to mean something but it doesn’t hurt to remind each other of who you are. So add in some moments that will make each other smile or a vow that means something to the two of you (Who’s in charge of dealing with spiders? Will you make them coffee every morning?). The point of writing your own vows is that you are written into them.

Okay, and one last bonus tip. Don’t fret. Don’t worry that they aren’t good enough, long enough, poetic enough, funny enough. As long as you put your love behind them, they will be perfect.